Costco Martial Law

The Thursday before the Canada Day long weekend, Drake and I found ourselves stopping by Costco for those last-minute supplies that must be bought in bulk (e.g. bags of popcorn and chips the size of one's torso).

What you need to know about Costco, besides it's exclusive membership plans, is that it is always insanely busy. Always. I have yet to find a time of the day/week where there is not a line up at every single checkout counter. I have, however, found a time of the day/week when Costco is at it's absolute worst - the day before a long weekend starts.

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We, of course, recognize that we have arrived at the most inopportune time just as we pull into the Costco parking lot. The lot is in complete pandemonium. There are cars, people, and carts everywhere moving in all different directions. Harried parents usher children with their carts piled high, elderly women bustle by with carts that hold only one or two items, and Millennials saunter by as they consult the grocery app on their phones. Cars block off whole rows, signal lights blinking, as they wait for the perfect parking spot. (For the record, unless the car leaving the spot you want to enter is in reverse, keep on driving. It's super rude to make everyone behind you wait for 15 minutes as you rush the person who just loaded their vehicle...but that's a whole other blog post.)

Although we are tempted to just keep driving, we absolutely cannot head out for a weekend camping trip without the aforementioned snacks to tide us over. Therefore, Drake and I bolster our courage and agree to make this trip the most efficient Costco trip we have ever had. During our regular Costco trips, we share a giant hot dog and poutine at the concession, wander every isle with our cart, stop at the sample tables, read product labels, and deliberate over products we will inevitably realize we don't need (usually after we purchase them). Not so today. Today, we agree to skip the food; our hunger will encourage us not to dawdle. We also agree to skip the cart; our inability to carry much will prevent us from lagging. After all, we are only picking up like five things - there is no room for impulse buys on today's mission.

Strategic plan in place, we race through the doors, barking items at each other like commandos, "I got the peaches, and you get the chips." Heaven help Drake if he falls behind. I know he hates to navigate Costco by himself, but I cannot stop for him. I have groceries to find and purchase. Approximately 16 minutes later, we are standing together at the checkout line with both of our arms full. Surprisingly, the lack of cart did not curb our tendency to impulse buy. Although, I am not sure if grabbing strawberries instead of a watermelon because it's easier to carry really counts.

Another thing you need to know about Costco, is that it truly brings out the worst in people. Nothing drags us back to our ancestral caveman behaviours faster than buying meat and toilet paper in bulk. Seriously. Outside of Costco, people can at least pretend to be well-mannered, rational human beings. Inside of Costco, people push, crowd, leave their carts in the way, and forget about anything other than their single-minded need to retrieve the best flat of strawberries available. To combat this, Drake and I invented "Costco Martial Law". Essentially, this means anything that happens in Costco, stays in Costco. Any snarky comments, rude statements, and arguments are forgiven once we have unloaded the cart and we are back in the sanctity and safety of our car.

I'd like to say that we rarely need to use our Costco Martial law, but I'd be lying to you. I wasn't kidding when I said that Costco brings out the worst in people. Even yours truly. Crowds of people wandering aimlessly, pushing, and running over your toes with their carts has a tendency to bring my crazy rushing to the surface. Unfortunately, the full power of that crazy gets unleashed on Drake (I'm usually sane enough not to go bananas on strangers). Fortunately, Drake' crazy also comes out to play, are we are both totally unreasonable. I nag him about where he chose to park and rant about people taking too long to walk across the parking isle. We bicker about what we need to buy vs. what we want to buy and the length of the checkout lines. Basically, we're complete dicks to each other. However, once we've paid the requisite $300 for our groceries and our cart is unloaded, we transform from swamp creatures back into humans. We will each say something inane like "I'm sorry for what I said in Costco," and continue on with our day. No grudges held. No feelings hurt. Rose coloured glasses firmly in place for the next time one of us suggests going to Costco to just "pick up a couple of things."

How do you survive Costco / bulk grocery-shopping trips?

Best,

Laura