Cinnamon in my Cottage Cheese
How many of you read this title and gagged? No hard feelings if you did. Have you ever done something and then thought, “Who the fuck am I?” That's me every time I willingly eat cottage cheese.18 year old Laura would never have guessed that 31 year old Laura a) eats cottage cheese consistently and b) puts cinnamon in it. But I do. Almost every day. Turns out, cottage cheese is a super low calorie and high protein snack. Plus it’s super versatile. Want sweet? Add cinnamon or fruit. Want savory? Add it to salads or pasta. It’s also full of calcium and good for overall gut health. Oops. My newfound love of cottage cheese is leading us astray.
My point here is that 18 year old Laura never would have predicted 31 year old Laura's life. Did anyone else get to their 30’s, look around, and think, “This is different than I expected?” This rhetorical question is a trap. I know for a fact that I am not the only one that feels this way. I visited a dear friend and her family this past weekend. She lives in a different province and it had been quite some time since our last in-person visit. (Like 3 years, thanks for nothing pandemic). As we updated each other about our relationships and lives, we kept circling back to the fact that our current lives don't quite look the way we expected back in grad school. My life at 31 looks totally different than 18 year old Laura imagined… and honestly, I’m not mad about it.
Let’s compare, shall we? Sweet, naïve, 18 year old Laura was in her last year of high school. About to move out and go to university, she was full of dreams and ambitions. She was dating a guy named Drake - cautiously because everyone told her high school relationships don’t last. She planned to get a Master’s degree and then find work in the same field. She planned to marry someone amazing. She had baby names picked out for the two children she would have, promptly at age 30. She planned to buy an acreage in a rural area and live happily ever after.
Flash forward to 31 year old Laura. She obtained said Masters degree and still works in that field. She is married to an amazing guy named Drake. (Turns out high school relationships sometimes DO last.) She has two small doggies and no immediate plans to have children, although she still has those baby names in mind just in case. She and Drake bought a house in a big city and absolutely love it.
Have you seen this meme? I relate to it hard, especially when making difficult decisions or feeling particularly stressed. I think, “Surely, there must be someone more equipped to handle this than me?” I remember being around 22 years old and being in a shopping mall and seeing older couples that looked like they had it all figured out. They were well dressed, but not uncomfortable; the type of people that look effortlessly at home in their own skin. I remember leaning over to Drake and whispering, “I want to be them when we grow up.”
Technically, I’m an adult now. I'm "grown up." But what is the marker for success when it comes to "adultness?" I have a career, bills, and a mortgage. I make my own decisions and then deal with the consequences of them. I’m on committees and boards. I participate in my community. I do not have kids.
Unfortunately, it seems that many of the markers for adult success are gendered. Should I be embarrassed that I felt proud when I got married? The word "husband" carries a different weight than the word "boyfriend." I felt as if all of the sudden our relationship gained clout and significance simply for signing a paper and throwing an expensive party while wearing a very pretty dress (it was a VERY pretty dress). Does being married give me more adulting points than a couple living common law? It shouldn't. Common law couples are still choosing to be together and to do the work.
I feel similarly about having kids. People ask me all the time, "Do you have kids?" Should I? Must I? Am I missing a level of adulthood by choosing not to? I'll admit to being a little shocked that 31 year old me isn't ready. You might read this and assume that I don't like kids. That is absolutely not the case. I love kids. They are strange and wonderful creatures. Do I feel the need to grow one for myself? No. Not right now. Maybe never. Does that make me more or less of an adult? Does it matter?
I'll answer my own question (the process of writing a blog is good for self reflection). No, it doesn't matter. I should be grateful that my life is different than I expected when I was in high school or even grad school. It means I have been achieving my goals and setting new ones. It means I am growing and changing as a human and a partner. It means I am changing my priorities to reflect what brings me joy,
I hope wherever your life leads you, that you are happy.
Best,
Laura
P.S. You should definitely try cottage cheese with cinnamon on it.
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