Psyching Myself Up

At thirty-something, I am realizing that my relationship with my parents is unhealthy. Actually, I realized this in 2018 when our relationship fractured, but I'm not quite ready to share the whole story yet. Unfortunately, awareness of an issue does not necessarily mean resolving it.

In January 2020, I reached out through my work's Employee Family Assistance Program for counselling. I was surprised at how difficult this was for me to do. Both in terms of finding the resources through my employee portal and utilizing them. I looked up the information and then sat on it for several weeks before calling. This surprised me, given that I've always considered myself to be pro counselling. We normalize routine check ups for our ears, eyes, and teeth, so why not our minds? Eventually, I scheduled a 60 minute phone session. (In-person counselling is not something that this program offered.) During my session, I was told that this resource is more intended for someone in crisis. They could offer me one session, maybe two with a letter from a Physician explaining why I needed it. However, if I was looking for regular support from a consistent therapist, this was not it.

I was defeated. It took me weeks to reach out and this was all I could get? One hour would not "fix" or "undo" thirty years of unhealthy interactions and beliefs. But maybe it was a start? Unfortunately, it didn't feel like it. It felt as if my counsellor was scrolling through a list of prescribed options and responses and then filling in the blanks for my situation. Like a family relationship issues themed mad libs. Perhaps she was?

I'm a doodler, especially while on the phone. I still have a page of notes I scribbled during that session. Most of what I wrote are questions. Hastily written down with large, angry question marks behind them. I'm not sure if she was telling me questions to ask myself or if I was so dubious that I wrote them all as questions anyway. I wrote: "Relationship goals?" "Carving space to enjoy the relationship?" and "Enjoy positive aspects?" I remember thinking, Do I have a goal for my relationship with my parents? Is carving space something I can or even want to do? How can I find positives when I still feel so much distrust and anger? I left the session left feeling vulnerable and attacked. It felt like I spilled my hurt out to a stranger only to be told that it was my responsibility to mend what I hadn't broken. Looking back now, I recognize how constrained my counsellor must have felt with such limited resources to offer.

It took me more than a year to try again. It likely would have taken me even longer if a minor incident with my parents hadn't dragged me right back to the Laura of 2018; full of anger, hurt, and feelings of betrayal. Thankfully, this time around, I had better resources. Several of my friends openly shared their positive experiences regarding therapy and one even took the time to type out a list of potential avenues for accessing counselling. I will share them here, in hopes that someone else may find it as helpful as I did.

Private Clinic Practitioner Options:

• Psychology Today - You can search practitioners according to postal code, type of therapy offered, direct billing options, etc.

• Feminist Counsellor Edmonton - This site features therapists that are are geared towards supporting members of the BIPOC and Queer communities.

Free/Low Cost Counselling Options:

• Momentum Walk-In Counselling - A mental health counselling agency, supporting clients who would otherwise be unable to access counselling because of long wait lists or financial barriers.

• Canadian Mental Health Association Edmonton - Provides recovery-focused programs and services for people of all ages and their families.

• YWCA Edmonton - Offers individual and group therapy on a sliding scale that ranges from $5 to $200 per 50-minute session.

• Primary Care Network - Offers workshops and services geared towards mental health.

• CASA - Mental health services for children and families from the Edmonton Region and Central and Northern Alberta

Student Options:

• University of Alberta - Counselling & Clinical Services (CCS) provides psychological treatment services to the students.

• Grant MacEwan University - Any student currently enrolled in a credit course at MacEwan University can access free, professional counselling with psychologists and clinical social workers.

• Concordia University - Outpatient counselling centre which provides virtual appointments to currently registered Concordia students

Notes:

• Many clinics and practitioners have sliding scale payment options, be sure to ask!

• If you have benefits, be sure to check your coverage, you may need to seek support from a Registered Psychologist in order for your coverage to apply.

I found the Psychology Today website to be the most helpful for me. I filtered according to type of practitioner (looking for a Registered Psychologist as per my benefits), read through biographies, and made a list of potential names and clinics. I focused on clinics near me, even though most are offering virtual services right now due to covid-19. (At some point this goddamn pandemic will end and I won't want to drive 45 minutes for in-person appointments.) I also limited my search to female practitioners only. I have nothing against male practitioners, but knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about the changes in my hormones and body due to birth control and the pressures I feel around childbearing with a man.

I reached out to several clinics. I figured some practitioners may not be accepting new clients, which was the case for several options on my list. A few clinics offered 10-minute meet and greet phone calls. This made me incredibly anxious, but I found actually talking to the practitioner helpful. It gave me a sense of how therapy would go and a chance to gauge how we fit before committing.

It took about two weeks for me to get in for my first session with one of my preferred practitioners. The appointment was completed over video chat. It was an intake session, yet I still found it stressful. My Psychologist asked me all sorts of questions, intent on getting to know me and finding out what I'm hoping to achieve with her support. I kept opening my mouth to give simple answers only to close it five minutes later after spewing a stream of words I didn't consciously intend to say. How do you encapsulate thirty years in 50 minutes? I was sweaty and awkward. I found even the simplest of questions hard to answer: "How would your friends describe you?" I thought: Friends? I have those, right? How do they see me? Am I telling her how I want them to see me or how they actually see me? Each answer felt like a battle I waged with myself. At the end of the session, it felt...cathartic? It was a relief to share the weight of my emotional burden with someone equipped to handle it instead of dumping it on my friends and spouse. I have another session scheduled in a couple weeks. I know that it's going to take some time and effort, but investing in my own wellbeing is important and worthwhile.

If you are finding it hard to reach out for support, I see you.

Asking for help is hard, but you can do it.

Best,

Laura